What am I unwilling to experience?
- A particular instance of personally encountering or undergoing something:
- The process or fact of personally observing, encountering, or undergoing something:
- The observing, encountering, or undergoing of things generally as they occur in the course of time:
- Knowledge or practical wisdom gained from what one has observed, encountered, or undergone:
- Philosophy. The totality of the cognitions given by perception; all that is perceived, understood, and remembered.
Verb (used with object) – experienced – experiencing.
- To have experience of; meet with; undergo; feel:
- To learn by experience.
- Experience religion, to undergo a spiritual conversion by which one gains or regains faith in God.
Events that unfold around me are only happenings; they become experiences when I add value to them inside myself. I am careful, the value can be positive or negative.
It is what goes on inside of me; these are the most important things in my life; where my value comes from.
It all starts with what am I unwilling to feel?
What emotions am I trying to hide?
I try to hide them in the shadow realm of the subconscious mind, but they keep returning to conscious thought.
Whatever I try to hide I mentally muddle myself into.
verb (used with object), muddled, muddling.
- to mix up in a confused or bungling manner; jumble.
- to cause to become mentally confused.
- to cause to become confused or stupid with or as if with an intoxicating drink.
- to make muddy or turbid, as water.
- to mix or stir (a cocktail, chocolate, etc.).
- Ceramics. to smooth (clay) by rubbing it on glass.
verb (used without object), muddled, muddling.
- to behave, proceed, or think in a confused or aimless fashion or with an air of improvisation:
- the state or condition of being muddled, especially a confused mental state.
- a confused, disordered, or embarrassing condition; mess.
- muddle through, to achieve a certain degree of success but without much skill, polish, experience, or direction:
I become stuck in an argument of my conscious and subconscious minds — a non-verbal debate with the things I dislike; a struggle that exists solely within my mind.
I become trapped by my very resistance of the things I dislike — I get stuck in the middle of a twisted and tangled mess with the things I dislike.
The truth is my suffering is in my resistance of the things I dislike.
The things I try to hide are the things I need to pay attention to the most. These are the things at the core of my deepest struggles — these are also the very things that will set me free.
When I resist experiencing an emotion and its underlying causes; it only makes it fester, turning it rotten so it eventually infects my soul.
I sit with my emotion and its underlying causes adding a value to make an experience that I can live with. I try to have the courage and willingness to open myself completely to vulnerability. I don’t do this just once; it takes many sessions to create an experience I can truly live with.