What am I unwilling to experience

What am I unwilling to experience?

 

Experience

Noun

  1. A particular instance of personally encountering or undergoing something:
  2. The process or fact of personally observing, encountering, or undergoing something:
  3. The observing, encountering, or undergoing of things generally as they occur in the course of time:
  4. Knowledge or practical wisdom gained from what one has observed, encountered, or undergone:
  5. Philosophy. The totality of the cognitions given by perception; all that is perceived, understood, and remembered.

Verb (used with object) – experienced – experiencing.

  1. To have experience of; meet with; undergo; feel:
  2. To learn by experience.

Idioms

  1. Experience religion, to undergo a spiritual conversion by which one gains or regains faith in God.

 

Events that unfold around me are only happenings; they become experiences when I add value to them inside myself. I am careful, the value can be positive or negative.

 

It is what goes on inside of me; these are the most important things in my life; where my value comes from.

 

It all starts with what am I unwilling to feel?

 

What emotions am I trying to hide?

 

I try to hide them in the shadow realm of the subconscious mind, but they keep returning to conscious thought.

 

Whatever I try to hide I mentally muddle myself into.

 

Muddle 

verb (used with object), muddled, muddling.

  1. to mix up in a confused or bungling manner; jumble.
  2. to cause to become mentally confused.
  3. to cause to become confused or stupid with or as if with an intoxicating drink.
  4. to make muddy or turbid, as water.
  5. to mix or stir (a cocktail, chocolate, etc.).
  6. Ceramics. to smooth (clay) by rubbing it on glass.

verb (used without object), muddled, muddling.

  1. to behave, proceed, or think in a confused or aimless fashion or with an air of improvisation:

noun

  1. the state or condition of being muddled, especially a confused mental state.
  2. a confused, disordered, or embarrassing condition; mess.

Verb phrases

  1. muddle through, to achieve a certain degree of success but without much skill, polish, experience, or direction:

 

 

I become stuck in an argument of my conscious and subconscious minds — a non-verbal debate with the things I dislike; a struggle that exists solely within my mind.

 

I become trapped by my very resistance of the things I dislike — I get stuck in the middle of a twisted and tangled mess with the things I dislike.

 

The truth is my suffering is in my resistance of the things I dislike.

 

The things I try to hide are the things I need to pay attention to the most. These are the things at the core of my deepest struggles — these are also the very things that will set me free.

 

When I resist experiencing an emotion and its underlying causes; it only makes it fester, turning it rotten so it eventually infects my soul.

 

I sit with my emotion and its underlying causes adding a value to make an experience that I can live with. I try to have the courage and willingness to open myself completely to vulnerability. I don’t do this just once; it takes many sessions to create an experience I can truly live with.

 

Only when I am no longer in conflict with myself I am able to realize true peace and contentment in my life.